Got a problem? The Very Worst Missionary can help!

I'm thinking about starting a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog where I can say mean but true things about people that I hate.
Of course, I wouldn't actually do this... mostly because I'm afraid of being sued for libel, and fired, and unfriended on Facebook. And then it's maybe not the most productive use of my time, you know, as a Missionary and all. And also, I don't think God would like it much. So there's that.
It's just that sometimes people do things...super. retarded. things...and I reeeeally want to tell you. Ok, what I really want to do is tell THEM, the stupid people, how stupid they are. But I can't. Ok, I could. But I shouldn't. Oh man... sometimes I am so in tune with God's will, it's like, crazy! Did you see that? That was right out of 2 Cor 10:5b (ok, I made up the "b" part, but that's the part that applies here). I am good.
Oh my gosh, I know what I can do, I've totally got it - An advice column! Seriously, think about it. I could not be more qualified to give people advice or, if you prefer, "wise counsel". Check it out, here are the top 10 reasons I should have my own advice column:

1. I am a freaking missionary. You have no idea how smart that makes me.

2. Being just slightly, in the tiniest way, older than he was in his 'God as Man' years, I now have a bit more life experience than Jesus.

3. I have been married to El Chupacabra for HALF my years. That should count for something.

4. I was pretty much a child bride, BUT, before that I dated a lot of horrible guys, and I did a lot of horrible things with those guys, so that, more or less, makes me an authority on dating and all of the icky awkward things that go with it.

5. I have 3 kids and they are all...um...still alive...

6. My child rearing experience includes raising smart kids, dumb kids, and totally average kids, also good, bad, and average athlete kids, and gay, straight, and straight-but-loves-show tunes kids (although the jury is still out on this one, so I'm just speculating. And, I hate the word speculating, just sayin'.)

7. Umm....hold on..I'll think of something....

8. I just figured out how to arrange the pillows on my bed as a sort of throne of blogging comfort. It's amazing. I'd like to use it as often as possible.

9. Also, I am considered a bit of an expert in these areas: Teen Pregnancy, Booze, Bad house keeping, Doing stuff when you should be doing other stuff, Sarcasm, Fear that the children will write a memoir, Bad timing, Being Late, Looking at shoes when everyone else is praying, Travel, Food, Cross-cultural mortification, Wishing someone dead for no good reason, Wishing for gummy bears, Wishing I had more money for no good reason, Self-deprecation, Angst, Teen angst, Mom angst, Wife angst, Christian angst, Missionary angst, Wishing I was incredibly "hot", Living in a faraway land, Daydreaming, Giving the stink-eye, and Eating disorders of all sorts, including, but not limited to; I-wish-I-had-a-tape-wormexia, Someone-once-told-me-I-have-"Jew-camp-arms"-and-I-liked-itimia, and I-got-caught-pouring-Cookie-Crisp-directly-into-my-mouth-from-the-box-at-1-a.m.ania.

But, here is the very best part, this is so great:

10. We can call it, drum roll please....... Ask Jamie How Missionaries Do It !!!! That's great, right?! Like so incredibly perfect, isn't it? Jeez, it just makes me smile....

So this is gonna be epic. The best Christian advice column on the interwebs (if "best" means "hopefully not most offensive")! Send your questions, conundrums, and humiliating private life issues to Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, steve.jamie@gmail.com, post-haste my friend. We're gonna get your junk all cleaned up pronto!


  1. oh....i am laughing so hard, and a few tears are trying to push their way out, and i'm going to share this with several friends as soon as i can, and let me know if you need contributions to help construct your blog throne. it needs to be really comfortable so you can be there a lot! omg. ha ha ha ha ha! (many more where those came from.) mark foshager

  2. Whatever Jamie, I know that you've already started the anonymous blog and you're already saying mean stuff about us. I'm gonna find it.

  3. Thanks Mark!!!

    Jeff- you can look, but you will NEVER find it... Muahahahahaha!!!

  4. ok, forget the email. it will take too long to open another tab or window and then log into my email and then compose an email. here's my question:
    The Very Worst Missionary,
    what is your definition of the very BEST missionary. because that's what i want to be "when i grow up". and please don't say it has anything to do with wearing long denim skirts every day and having kids that are seemingly well-behaved but grow up to be Jesus-hating atheists.

    pretty please let this be the first question you answer in your new blog.

  5. michelle said....
    Jamie what can i say...when i grow up i wanna be like you!!!! oh wait i am older than you...well i still wanna be like you....jajajaja...if you keep writing stuff like this i think i'm gonna pee my pants...oooyyyyyy estoy urinando...jajaja

  6. Please Jamie...you're so predictable. All I'd have to do is google f---ing bitch or f---ing a-hole and I'm sure your anonymous blog would show up in the top 5.

  7. jeff, quit harassing me and get off my blog! Don't you have some WORK to do or something. And besides, idiot, it was gonna be about people I HATE...sheesh, insecure much?? I LOVE you guys!!! and I mean that!

  8. ok, ok, I'll leave you alone....but michelle wrote Urinando. Anyway, I was sitting in front of my computer all afternoon trying to write the dreaded missionary CHRISTMAS LETTER. Needless to say I wasn't very inspired.

  9. Hilarious stuff.

    My wife and I are moving to Costa Rica next summer to be the worst missionaries ever. But since you already claimed that name we just call ourselves normal, compared to your crew.

    Your honesty is refreshing.

  10. I'm going to join in with the "pants-peeing" people reading your blog... I've decided that I simply must stop reading your blog while in the church office, they always want me to tell them why I'm rolling on the floor in a puddle of my own pee, and it's too hard to put your blog entries into words, in spanish... :P

  11. I guess the blood pouring from your eyes (from the ebola) isn't stopping you from blogging...that's a good thing.

    We're about 1/4 of a mile from Disneyland right now...feel homesick? (ha ha)

    Tell el Chupa the only thing I was joking about was wanting only 5% as my commission. I want the standard 10%...

    your welcome!!!!!!!!!
    I knew you would love it!!!!!

  13. Cody, thanks for reading!!! so cool that you will be sharing this experience in the near future - keep in touch if you need anything as you prepare/arrive for your mission!

    Jessica, I learned that several of my co-workers speak nearly perfect English AFTER knowing them for 2 years, when they admitted to reading this blog!!! ¡Que Verguenza! Verdad?

    Haha, Kirk, your comment references an email, FB status, and this blog! it's practically like you're in my living room....

    and LINDSEY!!! I almost sent you a link to this so that you would see that your brilliance has once again penetrated my life, but i'm so sick of whoring this thing on FB and begging people to read that i just couldn't. Thanks for being hilarious!

  14. This is funny, Jamie. You should definitely have your own advice column. Btw, where in Costa Rica are you?

  15. Thanks Jeff! We live in Heredia, in the central valley in a little town called San Rafael de Heredia. On a map, its at the base of the Volcano Barva.


C'mon leave a comment. Don't make me beg...just do it. Please?...c'mon, pleeease?...PLEEASE???