My Spanish is freaking awesome. If "freaking awesome" means "completely horrible".
This is how I speak Spanish (I'm writing it in English so that you'll have a really good feel for what the people I talk to experience.) This conversation really took place at church yesterday names have been changed:
VWM (very worst missionary): "Hi, Hector."
Hector: "Hi Jamie, how are you? Hey, can you help with the kids in Sunday school today?"
VWM: "Sure. Yes, of course. Wait, what? Can I what?"
Hector: "Can you be the assistant for the Sunday school teacher?"
VWM: "Oh, SUNDAY school! Yes, I can....what? Can I do what for Sunday school?
Hector: "Can you help the teacher?"
VWM: "Yeah, sure. Wait...are you asking can I BE teacher? I can't teach....I don't speak Spanish."
Hector: "No, no, it's ok. There is already a teacher, do you know Enrique?"
VWM: "I don't know. Is that, like, a person?"
Hector: "Yes. That's his name. See that guy over there? That's him. He's gonna teach the class, all you would have to do is help him by taking the refreshment up at 11:15."
VWM: "You want me to take a refrigerator up?"
Hector: "No, the refreshment..the snack. Do you know what 'cookies' are? You will take the 'cookies' up to the kids...for them to eat (he holds his fingers up to his lips and fake chews in the universal sign for eating). At 11:15."
VWM: "Oooooh, food. Yes! I can take the food the the kids at... when?"
VWM: "Ok, eight, nine, ten, eleven... Eleven, right?
Hector: "Fifteen. Eleven Fifteen."
VWM: "Ok, got it! Refrigerators, upstairs to the kids in Sunday class at 11:15!"
Hector: "Uh, yeah.... Thanks. It's that the girl that was going to do it didn't come this morning. So thanks for helping."
VWM: "Yes, I happy I help with refrigerators any time need them."
Hector: "Ok.... thanks. Hey, this is the teacher, Enrique. Enrique, this is Jamie, she's going to bring the snack up to the kids."
Enrique: "Hi, nice to meet you."
VWM: "Hello. You're welcome. I am going to carry the re..ref...refigidators...ah..I don't know the word...but I am going to bring for those children in 11:15. Ok?"
Enrique (looking at Norman who's nodding his head up and down to show him what to say): "Yes, Ok. See you later."
So then, like five minutes later, I'm getting a cup of coffee:
Silvia: "Hi Jamie!"
VWM (like a robot): "Hello. How are you? I am well. Thank you."
Silvia: "Good...uh... Ok, I was supposed to take the snack up for the kids this morning. I was running a little late, but I'm here now, so I can still take care of the snack. Ok?"
VWM: "Yes. Of course. Wait, what?"
Silvia: "You don't need to take the snack to the kids. I will do it. (she does the eating signal while shaking her head 'no')"
VWM: "Ooooh, ok. Norman me asked to take..up...it... I don't know....but now you take up it?"
Silvia: "Uh-huh, I'm going to take the snack up so you don't have to."
VWM: "Ok, wait, so WHO is taking up it?"
Silvia: "I am."
VWM: "So I am not..... Right?"
Silvia (smiling and backing away): "Right. That is exactly right. Ok, Seeyalater!"
Can you imagine? Seriously, even I don't wanna be friends with me...