I said something funny to God last night. Not like funny haha, more like funny sad... or maybe like funny *gasp*.
Remember when I asked you to pray for me? I was going to share my testimony in spanish for our youth group, Cultura Vertical, and I was freaking out because my spanish is just awful, and I was 100% certain that I was going to bomb, and I was like “why did I say I’d do it?”....remember that?
Yesterday was the day. And yeah,...I choked. It was a hot mess.
“Nightmare” comes to mind. F-ing disaster. Epic fail. Total cluster-f... nevermind...you get the idea - It was just baaaaad. The only thing that would have been worse would have been if I had actually said nothing. Actually, that might have been better...
I wish you could have seen their faces, though. They were dumbfounded, like, “Your mouth is moving, and you’re making sounds, buuuuut...not...exactly...sure...what they mean...”
All I can say is that I prepared; studied the verbs I needed, went over it in my head a million times, wrote myself notes (which I didn’t take with me), and in the end I choked. My mind went blank, my mouth went dry, and my brain smirked and said, “Buh-Bye.” And that’s how it went down.....Ugh.
I’ve spoken in front of large groups before, lots of times, and I have NEVER had anything like this happen. (Ok, there was this one time - I can’t explain it - but my oral crutch suddenly became “awesome”. I probably said it, like, 140 times in 35 minutes. So embarrassing! But not even close to the same level of catastrophe that struck me stupid yesterday. Not. even. close.)
Last night we had a hookah date with some friends. I bowed out, exhausted from the afternoon, and I was relieved when El Chupacabra went anyway. I wanted to be alone with my disappointment. So I made a quick dinner for my kids, went upstairs, and crawled into bed at 7:45.
That’s when I said it, the funny thing, to God.
I said, “There were a bunch of people praying that today would go well and You really let them down.”
And, I’m pretty sure He was like, “Um...Really?!”
See, here’s the thing. There was something, just one thing, I didn’t do to prepare. I felt nudged in that direction, but you know, I didn’t have time, and I my cell phone was dead, and I forgot to call so-and-so, and was so busy doing such-and-such, and it was too late, and had so much going on, and I had to clean the house and read a book and do a million searches for a million things on the internet, and I had to write a blog, and then my phone was dead again, so you know, it just didn’t work out. It never worked out for me to call a friend - a Costa Rican friend - and go over what I had planned to say. And that would have made all the difference.
I have a confession to make: My spanish is actually pretty decent, it’s my heart that’s all screwed up.
I don’t speak spanish well because I am such a huge freaking perfectionist that I would prefer to not open my mouth at all, rather than have something come out wrong. I over think it, and then it gets ugly.
Yes. I am aware that this is unreasonable. And retarded.
I’ve never been intimidated by anyone or anything in my entire life in the way I am by this language. I needed a friend to correct my spanish, but even more, to ease my heart. To remind me that I can make mistakes and that nobody will give a rip. I denied myself that consolation when I declined my friends offers to help. And without it I panicked and fell apart.
And then I tried to blame God.
Which I don’t recommend. Because. You might immediately remember that when God calls he also provides, and then, after you go and mess it all up, He redeems. And that can be painfully humbling, the redeeming part.
Then, when you are laying in bed, feeling sorry for yourself, you could finally realize that God knew exactly who you were, and what you were like, waaay before he brought you to this moment. And that He knew what you would do, or not do, and, still, He brought you here. Because He wanted to redeem you. You might even shed a tear or two in gratitude when you consider your monumental failures, and how God has made up for them, exchanged your weak efforts for great successes. And when you finally realize that God can work through real stupidness, you’ll see that He can speak through a perfectionist in the throws of a panic-attack. He can tell His story even when you toss a royal wrench in it. And then, you might just sleep really, really well for the first time in forever.
If you prayed for me yesterday, thank you. And I’m sorry. I let you down. But I’m resting on God to redeem it.