3.09.2010

The one where she says "Pubes"

El Chupacabra ran downstairs recently and, as he slipped out the front door, he said, " Hey, I left you a present in our bathroom." And then he was gone...

Naturally, I thought it would be a massive turd.

But no.

It was so. much. worse.

The only thing that would have made this better would have been if he'd added a note that said:
Don't feed it after Midnight and NEVER get it wet!
Oh, and, just in case you missed it, THERE'S A BEARD IN MY SINK!

Ok. So, we have an ongoing debate in our household as to the specific nature of beard hair. I believe, whole heartedly, that beard hair is actually pubic hair as it arrives during puberty, and shares aaaalll kinds of consistencies with other hairs that arrive during that same time.

I think I'm speaking quite accurately when I say things like, "Um, there's a pube touching your fork." or "Whoops, ya got some popcorn stuck there... in your pubes."

El Chupacabra doesn't think I'm funny. Like, at all.

He says that I'm crazy because he believes that hair is associated with the region from which it comes, and not the era in which it arrived.

Obviously, he's wrong.

BUT - since..*ahem*...I am a very nice wife, and I value our relationship more than a little tiny debate about wether or not it's technically correct for me to refer to him as "Pube beard the wiry Pirate" or "PubyMcGee", or any of the other brrrilliant monickers I have for the Pubezilla growing on his nether region... I mean, like the nether region of his face... (names that I would love to share with you, but which would, undoubtedly, be frowned upon by a few well meaning Christians who feel intensely convicted on my behalf), I have deferred to his opinion. Yes - I. have. deferred.

So now I just call ALL hair, "beard" hair, like, "Man, the boy's shower is all full of 'beard' hair." And, yes, I do use finger quotes when I say "beard". Always.

Anyway, problem solved.

Some things just aren't worth fighting over. Especially the things that we can't or won't have the answers to in this lifetime.

I see people - Christian people - in these wild debates, arguments really, about some of the stupidest crap, and it always makes me wonder what God thinks about that. I mean, about us, treating each other like sh..dirt because we're so focused on being right, and on sharing our great wisdom with others throughout the course of our miniscule, and relatively very short lives, that we've forgotten what matters and what doesn't.

I dunno. I just feel like some of our very strong opinions might be better left as questions, to be saved, and asked of the only One who speaks not out of opinion, but Truth.

I have this picture in my head of heaven. Everybody always talks about the questions they have for for Jesus - I LOVE those questions! I imagine that there will be a very long line of dead folks, waiting patiently to find out if dogs go to heaven, or if Adam had a belly button. And then you'll have those guys that always argue for Calvin, or against him. You'll probably have a whole lot of people with questions that start "In the Bible, what exactly did you mean by....?" And a bunch of conspiracy theorists wanting to know if they were right about butt-probing aliens, or computers with eyes, or the government making us eat tiny robots in Raisin Bran, or whatever.

And then you'll have me.

I will wait as long as I have to. I'll have an eternity to get the answer to my question. When my moment comes, I will walk right up to Jesus, motion toward his golden, flowing, kinky beard, and I will ask, "So, is that, like, pubic hair... or what?"

Your turn. What will you ask?

17 comments:

  1. I really don't have a question, as of yet. I guess I'm shallow or I just have faith that he is in control and I'm on a "need to know" basis. I just want to be with Him and once I'm in His arms....I really could care less about anything else. Personally, I think we will not have to ask those questions because our minds will be "opened" and we will have understanding anyway. Like I said...maybe I
    am shallow....but that is where I am at today. Oh.... and the hair in the sink is nasty. It def. looks like something that did NOT come off a face. Gross! Haha. I think you should make a craft with it. Haha. Pillow? Doll? Imagine the possibilities. -Danielle

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  2. You ARE crazy. But God uses crazy people too... as a matter of fact, I think we're his favorites. I've recently been banished from my church... because I am 'causing a division'... a division among about 12 people and every one of them says they don't feel a division... well every one of them but the pastor (and I'm assuming his wife who wasn't present for the banishment - okay I wasn't exactly banished, but yeah it's time to go). Instead of feeling devastated or in turmoil, my husband and I feel strangely free... like a heavy yoke has been lifted from our necks.

    We are now considering what church to go to and I've been doing some of this ridiculous question asking... am I Calvanist or Armenian? Should I go Baptist or Methodist? Does it even really matter? And then I come and read your blog. Thank you Lord, and thank you Jamie. You make me laugh and at the same time reassure my soul.

    As far as what question i'm going to ask... I think I'm gonna be speechless... and that will probably be a very good thing.

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  3. Danielle - this is for you: http://www.regretsy.com/2009/11/04/hair-of-the-dog/

    Not. Even. Kidding.

    Anonymous - I'm SO SORRY for what you are going through - but SO GLAD you totally get exactly what I'm talking about! Thanks for your comment!!

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  4. Wow, I never thought about that before... However, not everyone has curly facial hair, so would that be somewhat different? And what of Armpit hair? Is that pubes as well?

    My question... hmm.. Was Jamie the very worst missionary? No, that is already obviously not correct. He would probably say she was one of his top 10 favorites. Just cause he loves everyone the same doesn't mean he can't have favorites (see Job)!

    I will have to think about this for a while and post my real question later!

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  5. wait... what do you mean "not everyone has curly facial hair"?? Like, for real?? I can't even get my head around the thought of a guy with like a whispy straight beard.... Huh.

    Pit Hair = Pubes.

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  6. My husband says that farts have tiny particles of poop in them. Think about that one a while...

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  7. I am game. I am gonna go shave my two dogs right now. 80 Bucks!! Sheesh! If you make a beard....aka Pube Beanie, I can sell them here for you. It is too warm in Costa Rica for a beanie. Dani~

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  8. Wowzers Jamie!

    You have the biggest bal.."cajones'' to go along with all that ''beard hair'' so what are you worried about?

    dunno...somewhere in the OT it talks about a mans beard being his glory or something (or is it grayhair?) Either way, there is something specail about it to God and he didn't speak of the other kind....also, the Eygptians would have NONE OF THAT FACIAL HAIR STUFF! it was gastly to them! So, maybe they were in your camp?

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  9. all said with a BIG FAT LOL!!!!! * and my spelling stinks, sawry:(

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  10. I lovelovelove my husband's beard. Or loveD. You may have ruined it for me. If you did, I'll never, ever forgive you.

    I'm inclined to think we'll just have the answers we want when we get there. I even think most of the questions will sound silly, like a preschooler asking something at a MENSA discussion and everything will instead just make sense. But--from where I am now, boy do I have questions.

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  11. Not sure how I will explain to the women's Bible study why I was laughing so hard I was crying while at work in the church office. Hi-larious.

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  12. I am now totally off of my feed...so to speak. I do not believe I will ever look at El Chupa in the same way.

    You have a raging literary talent or you would not effect people as strongly as you do. God gave you that talent and I am grateful for it.

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  13. "Hey, Jesus, who shot JFK?"

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  14. Love this.

    www.biggerbetterbeards.org

    Jen Dean

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  15. Ok, I've laughed at many of your posts so far, but this one TAKES THE CAKE! ... oh, maybe it's not good to talk about cake and pubes together. Whatever. It was freakin' hilarious!

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C'mon leave a comment. Don't make me beg...just do it. Please?...c'mon, pleeease?...PLEEASE???