If you can't spank 'em, join 'em.

Ok, ladies... I have a question.

Why are we still using our butts as billboards? Seriously. I want to know.

I’ve brought this up before. Remember?...when I became BFF’s with a stripper from Reno on an airplane to San Francisco? Her butt said “Juicy”.

Honestly, I never intended to rehash this subject. I’m not exactly qualified at this point in my life to be handing out fashion advice since my clothing allowance is zero dollars per month and my wardrobe consists of no more than every color of $4 Old Navy tank top ever made by a Taiwanese 7 year old. But last week, on the bus ride home from Panama City, this lady climbed on board wearing pink sweats with a word emblazoned on her backside in sparkling, eye-catching sliver.


That’s what her butt said.

And I'm just gonna say this - Um. That’s a long word. If I’m gonna wear a word on my butt, it’s NOT gonna have 4 syllables.

Then I sat on the bus for 16 hours pondering the whole mess we’ve created by literating our lady lumps. Even if we can completely rid ourselves of this awful, awful attempt at cuteness in the U.S., all of those naughty velour pants purged from GoodWill warehouses in the states would ultimately end up in the tiny “Ropa Americana” outlets throughout Latin America and for the next 20 years I’ll be running into chubby 60 year old ladies from El Salvador with words like “superfly” and “hot couture” slapped across their old-lady asses.

It did occur to me that not all of these sweats are trying too hard to be overtly sexual. Sometimes girls wear these stupid pants to simply show their school spirit. To say, “Look! I go to USC!” or “Look! My boyfriend goes to USC!” or “Look! I bought these sweats at the USC bookstore when my brother was looking at colleges but he signed up for the Navy, instead!”

The thing is, I thought it was, like, an insult to sit on something. In my head, if you hate someone, you put your butt on their pillow. Growing up, if my brother wanted to torture me, he would threaten my favorite My Little Pony with an exposed butt cheek. That’s just how it is. You should only be sitting on the initials of schools that you think suck. And if you happen to like your alma mater, buy a hat for God’s sake.

So I came up with a solution. Two, actually.

The first is obvious. We need to round up all of these ridiculous pants and burn them. That’s the only solution with any kind of finality. Otherwise, like I said, they’ll all eventually end up here. And that’s just not fair, you know....for me. Although, it’s not likely that we could get everyone to give up their butt-vertisements willingly, and the last thing we should be doing, as Christians, is creating some kind of horrid sweatpants Gestapo.

So the only other reasonable thing to do is fight fire with fire. I mean, we are talking about prime marketing real-estate, here. We, as the church, should take advantage of it. So, I think we can take this travesty and turn it around. That's why I've come up with a line of Faith based butt-sayings.

Think about it - Instead of this walking disaster,...

...you could be wearing one of these, and actually doing some good in the world!

I know. I'm like a genius or something. Why are Christian book stores not already filled with stretchy pants sporting rear-end crosses, and cheeky angel wings, and favorite all-time verses? This idea is nothing less than...provocative. You just watch, in six months Beth Moore will turn around while teaching at a conference packed with home school Moms and Women's ministries devotees, and her rump, glittering with rhinestones, will shout "Righteous" to the masses.

An hour later, I'll be rich. You'll see.

Sorry. This is what happens when you tie me to a chair for 16 hours.

Oh, and leave a suggestion for a Christian Butt Slogan in the comments and when this baby takes off I'll totally give you a cut of the profits, you know, split the booty with you. (Get it?) Anyway. This is gonna be huge...