Peep show.

I’m afraid I may have given you a peek of something you weren’t supposed to see. (No, not my recent pic where a friend said I showed “boobage” – which I can assure you is nothing more than a lucky shadow cast on the bony, concave chest of a woman who has never possessed “boobage” a single day in her long, flat life. And FYI – we will not be discussing this in comments because…well…just, No.)

Anyway. I’m talking about my last post, the one about the podcast. I read it this morning and quickly realized that I had given my internal dialog a spot on the platform. Right there, in front of everybody, like a dirty, psychological peep show for the interwebz.

How embarrassing!

See, the thing about having an ongoing internal dialog is that it’s kinda supposed to stay between you and the mirror. Especially if your internal dialog, like mine, contains not so much the quiet, nagging voice of humorous self-deprecation, but a ferocious, barking dog of self-loathing.

Cause, really? Nobody wants to see that.

No one wants to see you berating yourself for being a “dork”, or having a “horrible personality”. And nobody needs you to decide on their behalf that they won’t like you before they’ve ever even heard your voice. Seriously, who need a friend like that?! Ew.

So unattractive.

I really can’t believe I went there. But I did. I let you in on a little bit of the incessant name-calling that goes on in my head. I gave a nip-slip to my insecurities. And I’m sorry you saw it.

Not because I don’t want you to know what I think of myself. But because I have to work really, really hard at not letting what I think of me obscure what God thinks of me. And because I hate to think of anyone relating more deeply to the detestable pieces of my life than to the beautifully Redeemed sum of it all - So that it isn’t the shittyness of ourselves that binds us, but the loveliness of a Savior…

One of my favorite things to come across when I’m reading the Bible is when it tells us that God will give us a new name. I love that. I love the idea that God knows all about name-calling. And I love, even more, the thought that God has a name for me and that it will answer every question I have ever had about who I am - A name to finally quiet my inner dialog… A name to ease my insecurities…

I don’t have a clue what my God-given name is. But I know what it isn’t.

It’s not Boring.

It’s not Horrible.

And it’s not Loser.

It’s not Fatty, or Mush for Thighs, or Lady McBingo Wings.

It’s not Failure.

And it’s not Ugly.

It’s not Stupid or Awkward.

It is not Bitch.

In fact, it’s not any of the names I call myself, not even the Very Worst Missionary.

It’s not Unworthy.

I will not be called Unlovable.

And neither will you….

… …. ….

The LORD has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: 

“Say to Daughter Zion, 

‘See, your Savior comes! 

See, his reward is with him, 

and his recompense accompanies him.’” 

They will be called the Holy People, 

the Redeemed of the LORD;

and you will be called Sought After, 

the City No Longer Deserted.

~Isaiah 62

…. …. ….

You will be called Sought After