I'm depressed.
There. I said it.
Happy freaking New Year.
2012 really kicked my ass. And now those six or seven
major life events and that international move seem to be catching up to
me. I've found, coming off a nine month adrenaline high, that I
don't really want to get out of bed.
I got my kids off to school on Monday
morning and then I curled up on the couch with a blanket over my head and slept until noon. When I finally got up, it was only because my
cat was sitting on my face. What?! That's how he tells me he's
hungry. Anyway. Here's a newsflash - If you sleep more than your
cat, that may be a clue that you've come down with a smidge of
the depression.
Yesterday, I got dressed at, like, 3 o'clock and it felt like a major victory. (Over-celebrating simple daily
tasks? Yeah, that's clue #2.)
This morning I shuffled around my house
looking for some unknown thing, circled the internet in search of
nothing at all, and told myself repeatedly to “get it together”.
When none of that got me anywhere, I prayed, telling God repeatedly to “get it together”. I need to write, I said. I need
to cook. I need to buy toilet paper. This grimy, stupefied,
agoraphobe thing isn't really working for me. I don't have
time for mental illness, I told him. You're gonna have to make
it go away.
And then I remembered the one thing
some Christians will never admit out loud, which is that sometimes
Jesus isn't all you need. Sometimes you need Zoloft.
I've fought with anxiety and depression
for as long as I can remember (seriously, like since I was a small
child) and I know the things I need to do to escape this ditch. For
me it requires healthy food, sunshine, exercise, safe friends, and,
yes, Faith in my Healer and Counselor.
But, sometimes, it also means
addressing the chemical needs of my body.
Sometimes it means popping a little blue pill.
And guess what? It helps!
Guess what else? Depression is not a sin.
It's true that our brokenness can
enhance those feeling of lostness, loneliness, and hopelessness; our
transgressions, screw ups, and failures can work to further deepen a
nasty depression (and vice versa!). And it's true, I
believe, that we need Jesus
to be whole.
But, I'll say it again, Jesus is not all you
need.
Sometimes you need a Doctor. Sometimes
you need medication. There's really no crime in that.
The real crime would be to live your
God-given life with your head under a blanket, or your face under
your cat's butt... ooorrr, y'know, whatever... when, instead, you could get help and come back to life.
Do I need Jesus, or Zoloft? For today, I think I need need both. Maybe you do, too.
…. ….. ….
Ever been depressed?
Are you a pill popper or a prayer
apologist? Or both?
