Writers Guide: How to Not Write a Book in 5 Easy Steps

Step One: 
Tell everyone you are definitely for sure going to write a book. 
Don't leave anyone out! Include your friends and your family and your neighbors and the people who work at Starbucks (And maybe Target. But, like, only if it comes up organically, otherwise you sound like a douche). Oh. And don't forget to tell your literary agent. She'll probably want to know. And if some fancy publishers buy you lunch and give you presents? Tell them, too.

Step Two:
Stare at your computer for a while. Like, at least two years.

Step Three:
Make a list of why you should definitely for sure NOT write a book. It doesn't need to be long.

  1. Books are permanent. You cannot delete a book. (i.e. If your book sucks, you're screwed.) 
  2. Book writing is hard. Blogs are easy to write because you just take an idea, pare it down to the bare essentials, and - BOOM! - you've got a nifty little blog post. But blog posts for books are hard to write because they need a lot more words and stuff. Also? I think they're called chapters.
  3. You don't have time. (Ha. I could write fiction!)
  4. The people who promise they'd read your book are all in on the same huge practical joke. But you love jokes! So if you write a book and no one reads it, it'll be hilarious! And sad. 
  5. You're too... Lazy? Scared? Stupid? Bad at writing? ADD? Tired? Chubby? Silly? Unworthy? Choose one or more, or write in your own ____________________________ .
  6. If you're distracted by a book project, who will post pictures of the cat on Instagram?! 

Knives needs his public.

Step Four:
Lie. Tell yourself you never wanted to write a book anyway. Sip your coffee and feel satisfied. I mean, this wasn't even your idea...

Step five: 
Repeat steps One thru Four. Until you die.

It's that easy, friends! I hope you find this guide useful on your journey toward not writing a book. Ever.

Good luck and God bless!

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So. How do you not write a book? Do share.  (I'll be right over here... staring at my computer. *heavy sigh*)